Take A Stand

Adam's Story

I grew up in the East Side of San Jose, California. I’m from a family of
four one sister two brothers and we were raised on welfare. The first
years it was great. I can recall when I was five years old the apex of
my day was at 5:00 in the evening. I would hear my dad’s truck pull
up and I would run and greet him and he would hand me his lunch
box because he always leave me the last bite of his sandwich. As
soon as he took off his work boots I would put them on and pretend I
was a roofer just like him.

But then came the night that changed the rest of my life. It was typical
evening and my mom had put me down to sleep. I remember waking
up to a loud noise. Following with a forceful thrust. My dad evidently
threw my mom into the bathtub. I heard my mom crying with pain
while my dad yelling from the top of his lungs. I jumped out of bed
shaking, tears running down my cheeks and standing by my
bedroom door. I heard my dad say …I’m out of here. I heard the front
door slam open and my dad getting into his truck and peeling out.
The house had become very quiet and I could hear my mom crying
and cleaning up the bathroom. I remember I didn’t want my mom to
know that I had heard anything so I went back to bed.

Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I couldn’t get the loud thrust
and words out of my mind. I was fearful and scared and I did not
know what to do or even think. My eyes were wide open and I was
staring into the darkness. But then a vision had come to my mind…I
saw myself older and I was playing with children at a park. As I was
pushing them on a swing I realized that I was their daddy. With that
picture in my mind I promised to myself that one-day I’m going to be
a great dad and husband. And with that thought I was comforted.

My mom and dad separated and ultimately ended up with a divorce.
One of the hopes I had was that they would get back together. I
remember each time I would hear a truck go by the house I would
run out to the window and hope to see my dad. After some time my
dad would come by to pick my brother and me up to stay over night at
his new apartment. That was always one my favorite times. My dad’s
apartment happened to be a few blocks from where my grandmother
lived so I was familiar with the neighborhood.

One Friday night my mom had dropped my brother and I off at our
grandmother’s house to stay the night. She had promised us that
when we had got to her house she would take us to the store to buy
some candy. We walked to the store and I asked my grandmother if I
get some chocolate cup cakes instead. She said that they were two
isles over to go pick them up and come right back to the candy isle.
As I walking to the isle I look straight ahead and I saw my dad. I
couldn’t believe it. I wanted to surprise him so I snuck around where
he was and I came from behind a huge shelf and said “dad,” he
turned around and looked into my eyes and turned toward a girl he
was with and walked away. I stood there for a moment and waited to
see if he would turn around. I did not call out to him to him because
somehow even at seven years old I understood what had just
happened. He didn’t want his girl friend to know who I was. I saw
him turn down another isle. I walked back to my grandmother and my
brother who did not know what had just happen. I couldn’t believe
that my dad was not happy to see me. He was the joy of my life.

That moment shattered me. A pain shot through my heart and made
me feel so insignificant. As we got back to my grandmothers, I
remember lying down on her couch and began to ponder, “my dad
does not love me.” I was thinking that maybe I was wrong for
sneaking up on him. I began to feel lonely and worthless…maybe
I’m not good enough to be loved. As I was feeling lonely and hurt I
began to visualize myself as a great dad and husband. I promised
myself that I would never do that to my son or daughter.

In retrospect that moment shattered my self- esteem. All through my
child hood and teenage years I struggled with my sense of
significance. The only place where I felt significant was with my
mom. She would encourage me to strive for excellence. She
attended most of my football and baseball games. She tried to fill
both roles as father and mother. But at the age of twelve things
began to change. My mom was experiencing some personal turmoil and she finally broke down. One night she came home and the
house was a mess and went bizzerk. She began to break all the
dishes in the kitchen and then picked up a brick that was loose from
the fireplace and broke the windows of the back door. She was
yelling and screaming about how she needs a life and that she
doesn’t know if she can handle us anymore. The next thing I
remember I am staying with one of my uncles for about a week to
give my mom break from us. That moment however wiped out the
little self-confidence I had. The week I was with my uncle he tried to
put everything in perspective but I was devastated. I began to realize
that my life was never going to amount to anything. Deep down I was
giving up. When my uncle finally took me home I remember my mom
had apologized …but the damage was done.

Ever since the divorce my dad would come in and out of our lives.
Usually we would see him about every 3 to 5 years. His life pretty
much resolved to living in and out of the streets playing his guitar for
money. I was now in my teens and was an emotional wreck. I did not
know where to go for help. Most of the time I felt all alone. One day
my mom had found out where my dad was residing. He was back at
his old apartment. The first thought that had come to mind was…
“my dad could help me.” He will understand and navigate me out of
this deep depression. I jumped on the bus and headed to his place.
I really did not know what to expect but hope was beginning to stir. I finally reached his place and we sat down and I began to pour out
my heart. I was explaining to him how I was not happy at home and
that I was having a difficult time in school and I was depressed most
of the time. I did not know what to do or think any more. Once I
finished I looked into his eyes and said “dad, I need help, what
should I do?”

He got up from his seat and walked over to a kitchen cabinet pulled
a jar, opened it up and pulled out a bag, and then handed it to me. It
was a bag of weed and he said these words, “ Adam…this is what I
use when I feel like you, try it, it will help you” “and Adam remember,
school is not important because the truth is you are going to end up
like me.” As I looked into his eyes I saw the same look he gave me
at the grocery store. Talk about a turn for the worse. I left his
apartment totally confused. His words…you are going to end up like
me…kept running through my mind.

It was after that that experience …I gave up. I took my dad’s advice. I
began to smoke weed. I did not like it. But each time I would smoke
a cigarette of weed, I began to see that when I got high my problems
seem to go away. I began to smoke it regularly because I did not
want to cope with my pain. One day when I went to go purchase
some weed the seller asked me if I was interested in a business
opportunity. He told me that if I would help him sell it he would give
me weed for free. I took him up on his request and began to sell it in
my neighborhood. After a while I saw all the money that I was making
for the seller I decided to go into business for myself. I began to buy
large quantities on my own and recruited some of the guys in the
neighborhood and I began to see a steady of money coming in. I
was 15 years old and unfortunately I took the second part of my
dad’s advice and dropped out of high school. About a year later I
was introduced to cocaine and I began to buy and sell it.

The irony to my life was I hated where I was headed. It seems just
about every night I would hope for change. I would visualize that I
was involved in school, sports and even preparing to go to college
but then I would snap out of this dream world and come to grips that
I was going nowhere and to make matters worse I felt empty inside.
Outwardly, it appeared everything was okay. I’d gained reputation
among my neighborhood as a leader, ladies man, and most
importantly I was respected in my hood. However the vision of being
a good dad and husband was fading. I realized since my parents
were divorced both of my grandparents on both sides were divorced
most of my aunts and uncles were divorced… marriage will never
work for me.

When I was about 16 years old my mom had come home one day
and told us that she been saved. She began to explain to us that she
had received Jesus Christ into her life. We had never been church
going folks. I had no idea what she was talking about. Each Sunday
morning she would jump on the bus to church and she would come
back talking about the bible. She began to invite us to come with her
and each time I would think that she was going crazy. My two
brothers and sister ended going with her and they eventually
received Christ in their life. I did not want to be around them so I
ended up converting the garage to a bedroom so that I would not
have to interact with them. But I was definitely watching them.

I had just turned 17 years old and I was on my way to purchase a 1/4
pound of weed. The person I bought it from was a new guy and I
didn’t really know him or trust him. A friend of mine had advised me
to protect myself from anything going bad. He handed me a loaded
22- caliper handgun. I looked at the gun, held it up, found a target to
focus on and pulled the trigger. A few thoughts rushed my mind.
What if I have to use it? What if I shoot somebody? There is no
turning back. But this one hurt the most…I am an official drug dealer.
I drove up to the dealers’ house I checked my money, checked the
gun and was ready for anything. Walked up to the door and put my
hand on the trigger. During the transaction I remember thinking
…this is my life…I use drugs, I sell drugs, I have a loaded gun in my
pocket with my finger on the trigger…I hate my life.

Fortunately I did not have to use the gun. After the transaction I was
eager to get the weed broken up in bags so I can give to the guys to
sell. One of my buddies had the scale so I went to his house to pick
it up and he asked me to meet him at the corner so that his parents
would not see what we were doing. The corner was literally eight
houses from my home. As I was waiting for him, there was a fight
going on about two houses away from where I parked. This was
typical of my neighborhood. Somebody was either fighting or getting
high. My cousin was with me so we both got out and sat on the hood
of my car to watch the fight. One of the guys fighting had a rifle that
led somebody to call 911. Just as the fight was over six police cars
had rushed in and the crowd dispersed. My cousin and I immediately
jumped into my car and the cops surrounded the car thinking that I
was the person with the rifle. The irony was that I did not have the
rifle but I had a loaded gun and the large quantity of weed. The cops
open up their doors pulled out their guns and yelled to put our hands
up. Both my cousin and I raised our hands, and slowly got out of my
car and the cops then asked us to put our hands in the back of our
heads. They then rushed over to us kicked us to the ground and
feeling guns to my head and back. They yelled… “if we move, they will shoot.” While we were handcuffed and laying on the street, they
searched my car and found the loaded gun and the weed. The
thought that penetrated my mind was … “its over.” My life is done.
They hand cuffed me and threw me in the back seat. They ended up
letting my cousin go since both items were under my seat. The
police car pulled away and drove past my house. I saw my younger
brother standing on the curb. At that moment I was at my lowest. I felt
my life is worthless and insignificant. I remember thinking my life
would be better dead than alive. As I was handcuffed in the back
seat I remember closing my eyes and out of the blue came that
vision…being a great dad and husband.

The birth date on my driver license was incorrect. I had modified my
birth certificate to show that I was two years older. I told the police that I was only seventeen but they proceeded to book me in the
county jail. I was placed in a holding cell that was about 12 feet by 12
feet. There must have been about thirty men in there. I was nervous
because I felt very young among these men. But I remember one of
my cousins told me that one of the keys to surviving in jail was to “act
tough.” Well…that’s what I did. One by one they let you make a phone
call and I called my mom. She was already informed. She began to
cry and tell me that she is going to do whatever it takes to get me out.

After the phone call they called my name and lined me up along with
about 20 guys to issue out the orange county jumpsuits. They lined
us back up and march us to our cells. They opened the jail door cell
and there was my bed. There were 4 other guys in there and one of
them introduced himself. He asked me about the weather since he
had not been outside in the last six months.

My mom was able to bail me out the following day since I did not
have a police record. She hired a lawyer and after a year of court
dates it came down to sentencing. I either was going to do 2 years in
Youth Authority (YA), which is prison, designated for youth or
probation and weekend community service. As the judge was about
to pronounce the sentence I prayed a silent prayer… God, if you get
me from doing any time I will give my life to you. Well by God’s grace
it was the latter. Probation and weekends. Man…talk about relief.
The judge did tell me that if I go back to court for anything I would
automatically serve two years in prison. My mom and I drove home
and I told here that I was going to a friend’s house. But that was a
lie. I went to go buy more weed so I can get busy making money.
This was my life.

I pretty much lived on the edge. Everyday I was partying. One evening
I had gone to a night club and I was there dancing and drinking with
friends. I remember asking a girl to dance and in the midst the song,
something hit me. I can’t really describe it but I began to look around
at all the people around me out of the blue, I prayed that the God who
my family talks about would change my life. I had enough. I was in so
much emotional pain I couldn’t stand it.

About a week after that prayer, I was invited to travel with a Gospel
band to Denver, Colorado that my brothers were part of. It was a last
minute invitation so I packed up and jumped on the plane with them.
I was very uncomfortable being around them so I decided to bring
some weed along with me. It was during Thanksgiving time. I
remember we stood at the Downtown Marriott Hotel. I kept my
distance from everyone and my duties were to unload and load the
instruments as well to help them sell their merchandise. The
manager of the group was name David Falcone. I had never met him
but my brothers had informed that he was also a youth pastor. As we
were getting everything ready for the evening concert David had
come up to me and began to point out that were a lot of 10’s here. I
looked at him and asked him what he meant. He said…there were a
lot of pretty girls. He instantly became my friend.

The next day we went out for lunch and he began to read my mail.
He told me that God had placed on his heart that I was experiencing
emotional pain. That I had been carrying around a lot of baggage
from my past. And then he said something that I had never shared
with anybody “I had dreams of becoming a great family man.” I was
totally uncomfortable. I was confused. How does this man know?
Would God really share this to somebody? One of the last things he
mentioned to me was …“give God a try.”

That evening during the concert I began to look around and there
must have been 700-800 young people. It was bit strange for me
because I had not been to any venue like this one. Everybody
seemed to be having a good time and nobody was getting high or
drinking. It was genuine and authentic. Towards the end of the
concert David Falcone was on stage inviting people to give God a try.
I had no clue what it meant to give God a try. So I remember putting
my head down and closing my eyes and saying these exact words.
God…if you are real…than come in my life. BAM…I felt something hit
me. The only way I can describe it was like I was high. But I knew it
was not from weed because I had not smoked for a couple of days.
The next thing I felt was warmth flooding my heart. And for the first
time I felt love and hope in a very real way. This all happened in all
about 3 minutes. The next thing I know my brothers both came down
from the stage and gave me hugs. I told them that I feel different.
David had come down and greeted me and told me that God will not
let me down. I did not want the evening to end. When we got our
room my brothers immediately had called my mom to tell her about
my decision to give my heart to God. When they passed me the
phone the first thing she said “ Adam you are now on our team.” To
be honest that did not sit well with me because I immediately
thought about why I converted the garage to a room. I did not want to
be considered to be a church or religious guy. You can’t be cool and
be church going. I just responded to her by saying “I’m giving God a
try.” The next morning we were on our way back to San Jose.

I had mixed feelings because I knew I had to face my friends, the
girls, my job, and my reputation. In essence that was my world. But I
was ready to change. That 3-minute experience gave me the
strength to face my world. I remember when the plane landed in San
Jose, I was so nervous. It was mid afternoon. My mom picked us up
and drove us home. I knew my friends were going to come over so
we can get high. I decided to go to each of my friends’ house and
share with them what had happened. I asked my brothers for a verse
in the bible. They gave me two of them. Matthew 6:33 “Seek Ye first
the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all things shall be
added to you.” And Proverbs 3:5-6 “ Trust in the Lord with all your
heart and lean not on your own understanding.” My friends listened
to me and I asked them if they were ready to give God a try. Every
one of them told me that they were not ready.

David had advised me to go to a small bi-lingual church called
Templo Elim where he was once a member. He informed that they
had a large youth group and they met at homes on Monday nights at
7:00 for Bible study. The following Monday night I walk into a house
that had about 60 young people packed into a living room and dining
room. I walked straight into the back of the room and found a place
to stand. I looked around and not one face looked familiar. I was
nervous because I felt out of place and did not know exactly what to
expect. There was a young lady who was leading the study. At the
end of the study she asked if anyone would like to receive Christ into
his or her life. Hands went up and she led them in prayer to receive
Jesus Christ as their personal savior. She then asked if anybody
would like prayer for stuff they may be facing. People began to share their needs…a job, strength for school studies, home issues,
relational issues, among other needs. This was very new to me. I
had never seen people be open about their personal situations. I
was always taught that was a sign of weakness. I lived by a life motto
that stated, “don’t let people in your life. ” I was moved by what I saw
and decided to pray a silent prayer … God please help me with girls.
I don’t want to use them anymore. I want to learn to treat them with
respect. Please teach me how.

After my prayer I thanked God that I had a chance to be here among
these people. As soon as I looked up the lady who was leading the
bible study was pointing my way. I was wearing a jean jacket and
she said out loud, “the gentleman with the blue coat, could you
please come here.” I made eye contact with her and pointed to
myself and said …me? Yes …you. Talk about feeling uncomfortable.
Everybody’s eyes were on me. I looked over to her and she seemed
about a mile away. I walked through the crowd of folks and made my
way right in front of her. I was so nervous. I did not know what to say
or do. She looked at me introduced her self …my name is Sandra
Martinez and God had laid on my heart to pray for you. I was stunned.
I did not know whether to believe her or not. Is it possible for God to
speak? He has something to tell me? My mind was all over the
place. But I was so desperate for change I decided to hear what she
had to say. She asked to bow my head and close my eyes. She
leaned over to my ear and whispered these words that radically
changed my perception of God and the power of prayer. Sandra
communicated these exact words… “God put on my heart to let you
know that he has heard your prayer and that He is going to help you
with your problems with girls.” My eyes instantly filled with tears. My
heart was flooded with emotion. I was in shock. It was the most
beautiful feeling I’d ever experienced. I couldn’t believe that God
heard my prayer. Little ol’ me.

It was the first time I felt significance. The God who created this big
world heard my silent prayer. I was so moved. At that moment I was
convinced that God was for real. I prayed once again this simple
prayer “God I promise to serve you with all my heart and whatever
you want me to do I will do”

The bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans I have for
you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you
plans to give you hope and a future.” You matter to God…despite
your past…God can make it all good. He will take your mess and
turn it into a message. I encourage you to give God a try. God has
changed my life and I know He can change yours? How? Simply
pray this prayer …

Dear Jesus, hear I am. I want to accept you into my heart. I believe
you died on the cross for me and will cleanse me from my past and
sins. In the precious name of Jesus…Amen
Three things…you need to do?
1. Find a bible believing church
2. Start reading the bible (begin with Matthew)
3. Begin talking to God

*** Please email me at adamt@thetenaciousgroup.com and share
with me your story. Or write me at 2315 Canoas Garden Ave San Jose CA 95127